The Bulwer-Lytton worst first line contest is always good for a laugh . . . and should remind writers that sometimes (most times) more is not better.
The 2010 winner is:
"For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity's affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss--a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity's mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world's thirstiest gerbil."
Other laughable entries are:
"When Hru-Kar, the alpha-ranking male of the silver-backed gorilla tribe finished unleashing simian hell on Lt. Cavendish, the once handsome young soldier from Her Majesty’s 47th Regiment resembled nothing so much as a crumpled up piece of khaki-colored construction paper that had been dipped in La Victoria chunky salsa."
"As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body parts strewn along the dark, deserted highway, he placed his ear to the ground and, with his heart in his throat, silently mouthed to his companion, 'Arm yourself, Watson, there is an evil hand afoot ahead.'"
"In Southwestern Germany just east of the Luxemburg border and north of France where history pitted various related Hapsburg Royals against each other and the Archbishops of Trier, the Abbots of St. Maximin, various members of the nobility, and mobs of axe-bearing villagers, there stands a ruin whose building stones mostly were carted off to build other buildings."
Mary Ann R Unger
"The Zinfandel poured pinkly from the bottle, like a stream of urine seven hours after eating a bowl of borscht."
Salt Lake City, UT
"The trail slimed along like mallow dripping cloudily from the bottle, past the stream where history squished Peep against Chick on the Peepsburg Plain, leaving only the sticky remains of too many rejects from the diorama contest, and as Peepchick Holmes followed the sticky trail, his peepers opened wide as he exclaimed, 'Careful, Dr. Watpeep, there is something gummy underfoot waiting to trap us in soft spongy confection.'"
Click here for the full list of 2010's Bulwer-Lytton winners.
What is your worst opening line for your favorite TV show, book, news story or comic?